


Nightmares

by greatveiledbear



Series: Undertale Monologues [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: (well it's actually an implied/referenced suicide attempt but still), Angst, Cinnamon Roll Papyrus, Depressed Sans, I'm so sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loads of Angst, Nightmares, Oblivious Papyrus, Sans Has Issues, Sans just mentions Papyrus dying a couple times, Sans-centric, There's no character death that's non-canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 03:39:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5990545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greatveiledbear/pseuds/greatveiledbear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*You ask Sans if he ever has bad dreams. For a moment, his grin flickers. But it never wavers again as he tells you the answer.* </p><p> </p><p>Sans has a long conversation with the player, and makes a big request.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares

yeah, i get nightmares sometimes. 

they're usually the same. pretty standard nightmare fare, really. i'm stuck in place, there's something chasing me, i'm in school and forgot my pants, all that jazz.

except. 

except for the ones that aren't. 

see, sometimes i don't dream about made-up stuff. sometimes i don't dream at all.

sometimes i just remember.

those nights are the worst. you'd think after a while i'd get used to it. that it would stop hurting when i see...

...

heh. maybe someday it will. 

...

i remember everything, you know. 

i know about every time you've reset.

every time you've jumped back a little because you didn't save. 

every time you did something different. just to see what would happen. 

they all blur together, sure, but that doesn't mean i don't remember them. 

and you know what i remember the most?

every time you killed papyrus. 

every goddamn time. 

want to know how many? 

...

heh. i couldn't tell you. i don't have an accurate count. sometimes i can't tell whether i was dreaming or awake. whether i've woken up from a nightmare or you've just reset the game. it must've happened a couple hundred times by now, one way or the other. 

honestly...i'm starting to get numb to it. 

the first time i saw papyrus die...it was unbearable. i couldn't take it. i walked into the woods and i did my goddamned best to fall down because a world without papyrus wasn't a world i wanted to live in. 

asgore caught me. he hugged me and said...i won't go into the details. but i still had to be the judge, right? i had to judge you right before you fought the king. god, i wanted to kill you then. i don't think you can imagine how much. you took the light out of my life and left me in the dark, and i had to let you pass. 

no.

you took more than just my light.

you took the light away from everyone who knew papyrus. 

you know what he's like, right? you've done this before. you've been on about two hundred dates with him, for pete's sake. you know that he believes in everyone. even twisted slaughterers like you. 

heh. i shouldn't call you that. it's an insult to twisted slaughterers everywhere. see, most of em, they only kill their victims once. but you--you're so much worse.

 

you come back again and again, just to see what will happen. you kill people. sometimes you don't. sometimes you let papyrus live, and kill the lady behind the door. and sometimes you kill only papyrus, or you kill everyone except him. 

because the worst thing about you? you're unpredictable. i never know what's coming next. 

still. it's getting easier. these days, it doesn't hurt so much when i see you...when papyrus's...when you hurt him. god, it's hard to say. kill him. there. i said it. just for you, kid. hope you're happy. 

i'm not saying it doesn't hurt. just that these days, i can bear it. 

anyway. i'm getting numb. and that scares me, some days. 

i don't want to be numb. 

i don't want to turn into you.

because you...you have to be numb to it by now. to do what you do over and over again. you couldn't do this if it hurt you every time, could you?

like it hurts me?

you know...if i could kill you, i would. i'd stab you in the back every time you walked through the forest away from the ruins if i could get away with it. if your goddamned determination would let me. i'd do it every day if it could keep papy from dying one more time. 

i remember the last time...it was a couple days ago. i had one of those nightmares. you know, the memory ones. so i wake up thrashing and screaming, attacks bashing the walls, and papy, he runs in--barely managed to dodge the gaster blasters, heh--but he gets to me, he grabs me and starts yelling my name. and i don't believe him for a few minutes, i don't think he's real, but he keeps saying, "I'M RIGHT HERE, SANS, IT'S OKAY! I'M RIGHT HERE!! I'VE GOT YOU, YOU'RE SAFE, I'VE GOT YOU!" and he hugs me and finally, finally i calm down and start crying into his shoulder. because it's over, you know? you're gone for now, asgore is dead, toriel's ruling the underground...it's over. papy's safe. he's okay. he's alive, and he's gonna keep being alive, and i'm not gonna lose him for a while. i can relax for a few days, you know?

and then, when i've stopped crying, when i'm finally grinning again, papy gets up and says, "WE SHOULD GET DRESSED FOR WORK, BROTHER!! DO YOU THINK A HUMAN WILL COME TODAY?" 

and then. that's when i knew you'd reset. and i just didn't want to get out of bed any more.

i don't even have a reason to bother. 

papyrus does, though. he doesn't remember the resets. he gets up every day with that big grin, and he makes terrible spaghetti and yells at me for my puns and tries to stop you with all his might. and sometimes you make friends and sometimes you go on a date with him and sometimes the two of you hang out with undyne, and those are the good days. those are the days i can relax. but sooner or later, you'll beat asgore and reset, and chances are papyrus won't make it this time. 

so i try and buddy up to you, trying to make sure that you won't want to kill him this time. trying to talk him up as much as possible. i've lost him so many times. 

and every time he thinks you can change. 

every time he walks to his death with a smile, because he's so sure he can stop you from killing him. from killing anyone. 

heh. papyrus believes in everyone. even me.

and these days...i feel like i just don't deserve it.

how many times have i watched you murder him? how many times have i let you walk from the ruins to snowdin unharmed? there's nothing else i can do, but still--maybe if i was better, i could find a way. 

i don't deserve my brother. 

i promised, a long time ago, that i wouldn't let anything hurt papyrus. it's the kind of stupid thing you say when you're an older brother and you think you can do anything to protect the people you love. 

i can't even count how many times that promise has been broken.

his death hurts less every time. that kind of panic...that kind of grief...it's just not sustainable. you can't feel that level of emotion forever. sooner or later you have to calm down. 

it's hard to care like papyrus does when you know you're stuck in a cycle. when you've done everything a hundred times before. 

i mean, there's always that fear. the fear that this will be the last time you do this, and papyrus will be gone forever. but even that's not as sharp as it used to be. sometimes i wonder if that would be better than...whatever this endless loop you keep us in is. 

because.

there are some things i don't want papyrus to know. 

and i think he's starting to find out.

thing is, papy...i don't think he could stand knowing about the resets. i don't think i could stand him knowing. if he knew...if he wore out, got as tired of it as i am...

heh.

there'd be nothing to keep either of us going. 

...

he's starting to remember.

it's just little things. but it scares the hell out of me.

the last reset, you'd just gotten through the electricity maze. remember that? papy stormed off, and i caught up to him. he was just standing there, in the next room, with a thoughtful look on his face. 

then he said, "YOU KNOW, SANS, I'VE GOT THE STRANGEST FEELING OF DEJA VU. HAVE WE EVER DONE THIS BEFORE?" 

i froze up. couldn't answer for about a minute and a half. i was so damn scared. it was the most scared--hell, the most anything--i'd felt in ages. papyrus looked at me all confused and then i unfroze and started bluffing, but he knew something was up. i had to pun at him until he got exasperated and yelled at me and ran off. then i sat down and tried to stop shaking. 

i can't let papyrus go through this.

i just can't. 

 

so kid. listen. 

i'm asking you.

i'm begging you.

let us go.

please. just do one more run. one more run where you save everyone. where you don't kill anybody. not toriel, not undyne, not papyrus...not even aaron. 

i know it's a lot to ask. but i think you owe it to us, after everything you've put us through. we've had enough bad times together, don't you think? it's time we had a good one. 

just let everyone live. and then leave us alone forever. please. you're going to leave someday, right? so why not do it on a good note?

but.

if you don't want to leave it on a good note...

if, for whatever sick, twisted reason, you have to kill papyrus...

then do something for me. 

kill me too. 

kill everyone. i don't care. but if you kill papyrus and don't reset, then i don't want to survive. you have to kill us both. i'm begging you. i don't care what you have to do to manage it, but please, don't strand me in a timeline without my brother. 

okay, kid.

that's all i have to say.

...

see you soon.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this between three and five am, so I apologize if it's an incoherent mess. Hope you like it. Let me know if there's anything I should clean up :D 
> 
> Also, I'm sorry.
> 
> I'm also at greatveiledbear.tumblr.com. Come say hi! :D


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